On business cards.
I am difficult, not necessarily because I like to be, but because my personal
beliefs and who I am are completely mismatched to society's norms and people's expectations. People ask for business
cards in order to quickly gauge who I am, to figure out how to associate with me. For a long time I rebelled against the idea of representing myself on a piece of paper the size of a credit card, until I realised that it was quite futile
fighting against it. That's when I decided to hand out blank cards. Once the person finished glancing at the blank, I
would then ask for it back to jot down the necessary information they needed from me. If they knew me as an amateur photographer,
amateur terpsichorean or just some random person with a funny handlename... the information would be relevant. Like the card, I would start off as a "blank" until they found some way of associating with me.
So who am I?
I have lived in 6 countries, for 4-6 years each. This boring little factoid that I've repeated to people I've just met usually has no meaning nor significance to them. Our family was non-diplomatic, non-military, non-missionary. I attended American, British, International schools, in Asia, Europe and the States. I say it because it has greatly impacted who I am and why I behave the way I do. I do not have a specific country, home, culture or group of people & friends I can identify with or call my own. I fulfill the typical "Third Culture Kid" prototype. Constant transience means I crave and desire to forge deep and meaningful friendships, and as a result, delve into high-disclosure conversations more quickly. I still have a tendency to believe it's a waste of time otherwise. I make friends & lose friends quickly and have a high tolerance initially, then eventually lose interest when people aren't as willing to be flexible or change.
As a result I tend to hang out with other fellow expats or minority groups in the countries I live in, although usually it's just that one person who is open-minded and non-judgmental enough to put aside their own prejudices and are willing to ask questions. What happens after is hours spent in a cafe or over a coffee getting to one another intimately, then later, a struggle to maintain the relationship. People move, change, grow, irritate me and I'm much more willing and accepting of moving on and letting go of people I care about because honestly I don't know what else to do after that point, leaving me at square one.
While in Boston, much to my father's dismay and discouragement, I immersed myself in the world of my Eastern Arab university friends. We'd go to Arab parties and dance, in between studying at the libraries and cafes, we'd go smoke sheisha, drink ahwei ou chai, listen to Fairuz and Abdel Halim Hafez at Middle Eastern restaurants, blaring the latest hits from Nawal Zoghby and Ragheb Alama while driving around, and then go dance salsa for hours.
In Geneva, the majority of my friends I made there were from the Balkans who also welcomed me into their world and explained the similarities between the Balkan cultures and the Middle East, and the appreciation of Middle Eastern culture over a thick heavily brewed and sweet coffee with foam on top. "Arabic/Turkish coffee" suddenly was "Albanian coffee." They introduced me to scantily clad pop stars with inflated lips and breasts, to the traditional music forms and singing in the pentatonic scale.
And in Seoul, often exposed to expats and locals who were completely unable to understand who I was and where I was coming. I felt very alone and angry. So I hung out with the people I thought I could get along with - people with similar musical tastes with a disdain for the majority. I hung out with goths and later discovered they were just as elitist as any other group. I tried hard to fit in the goth group, at school, with the locals, the expats, the other teachers... but each time I would find it difficult to remain friends. I didn't know what I was doing wrong, the nicer I was, the more people avoided me. So after 4 years of facing rejection left, right and center I decided to work on myself.
Free time with people was no longer a priority. Learning new skills and improving myself was now something I could focus on. While I've spent most of my life listening to mostly electronically generated music like Nitzer Ebb, industrial, synthpop it never occurred to me to dance to it. The first time I went to a goth party, I was completely elated - here I was surrounded by people who liked my kind of music. People who I could relate to perhaps. But it was puzzling to me, because I had only ever listened to the music and never actually danced to it. So I watched as my friends cavorted wildly on the dance floor. My natural instinct was to incorporate bellydance moves since I was unfamiliar with such moves as "The Missing Contact Dance".
I wondered if anyone did the same, thinking that I had possibly stumbled onto something new. I did a search on "Goth + Bellydance" and found Sashi. Then a few months later the Gothla was started in the UK, now in the US. Tanya and I were excited at the prospects. Then, I discovered Asharah who proved to me that this style of dark fusion didn't have to be all tacky parlor tricks and costumes. I finally felt like I found something I really wanted, something I could call my own.
I liken myself to one of those annoying, eccentric, misanthropic writers of days gone by, asking too many intimate questions of people, demanding too much from them, irritated by humanity. My sole salvation seemed to be in photography (a camera gave me a perfect excuse from partaking in conversations lacking in substance), and involving myself in the music and in dance. Even if social situations seemed futile, and weren't always rewarding, I feel like I can always dance and continue to grow, learn, improve, express and enjoy. My own personal heaven, it feels like I'm in my element when I'm dancing (not performing) connected to people feeling the same beat.
In short.
The truth is important to me. People are important to me. I am most certainly not who you think I am. I
am an exceptional
dabbler. I took courses in graphic and web design, psychology, engineering and computer science. I am a mediocre gamer that plays games on different platforms. I am an amateur bellydancer. I have performed to the best and worst of my capabilities. I used to be intensely shy and hide in bathrooms. I have taken the road less travelled. I see my own weaknesses and faults and what I need to work on,
and work on them accordingly. I have little patience for people who assume and
don't ask questions.
But the truth is that none of this matters. It's not about how I see myself, nor about how you perceive me. Because all you need to know is that I just love to blog, to dance,
to take photos, and that's all you really should know... or you will ever care
to know. |
